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The jarwal stared at her malevolently, saliva dripping from its gaping jaws, making its fearsome teeth glisten in the harsh winter sunlight.
What's a jarwal ?
I don't know. I haven't though about it. Something fierce and nasty. A huge maggot-like beastie with a   ferocious temper and huge teeth. A bit like in Alien, only more like a maggot.
It's a bit science fiction isn't it ? You don't even like science fiction.
I know. I'm just trying my convey an atmosphere of terror and anger in the light of recent events. I suppose the jarwal is a representation of my anger.
Well try another approach. Don't make up words of fierce animals. No jarwals. Be direct Star small and work your way up to the big stuff, that's my advice. And keep it real. Draw on your experiences, on what you see around you.
It was nine o'clock in the evening.
I know I said small, but not quite that small. Small but interesting. You've only got small there. Still, it can be quite rewarding to draw on your immediate circumstances. Work it up. It is nine o'clock. Tell us a bit more.
It was nine o'clock on a crisp and chill winter evening.
That's better, but you still need a bit more detail. You've got to get your reader of listener hooker from the word go.